Editorial: Happy April Fool's!
By CASEY GROVE

Letters to the Editor

Fun Star hires permanent defense attorney
By PAUL MATTHAS
Assistant Journalism Professor and Fun Star advisor Brian O'Donoghue announced Wednesday that the newspaper would be hiring a permanent defense attorney for the paper.
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Governor gets lost at zoo!
By WALKER T. RANGER
Gov. Frank Murkowski and family were visiting the Alaska Zoo last Saturday when his escort team lost track of the governor.
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UAF issues Internet porn allowance
By PAUL MATTHAS
After deciding to limit access to online pornography through the university, UAF has seen a drastic drop in internet use.
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Alaska announces aerial pothead control
By CASEY GROVE
Alaska voters approved a controversial ballot measure Monday to create an aerial pothead control program.
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Hamilton to purchase Learjet
By ALEX GRANTHAM
At a conference held with the Board of Regents on Monday, UA President Mark Hamilton presented a plan to purchase a Bombardier Learjet 45 for travel back and forth to his home in Anchorage.
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Cheney joins street gang
By MATT EMMONS
Vice President Cheney made a public announcement yesterday that he is affiliated with a Washington, D.C. street gang.
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UAF PD Police Blotter

COVER STORY
Chancellor Jones accepts giant check from Adolf Hitler
By CASEY GROVE
UAF cashed an $87 million check this weekend, a generous donation made by Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, and opened its newly constructed sports arena.
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UAF introduces new Campus Strategic Plan
By HENRY COLE
Citing a wide range of problems with the spread out nature of the UAF campus, the UAF Master Planning Committee recently unveiled its newest strategic plan for UAF.
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ASUAF legalizes torture; cannibalism OK too
By LACIE GROSVOLD
ASUAF legalized using torture and cannibalism as a means to bend the student body to its will Frday.
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Hellhounds attack campus!
By CASEY GROVE
Rabid hellhounds, high on PCP, went on a campus-wide rampage last weekend that left 18 students dead and 137 wounded or disfigured.
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ASUAF goes performance-based
By CASEY GROVE
By a vote of 179 to 56, students passed what many called the "Tails and Top Hats" initiative.
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Liberal Arts College an experiment gone wrong!
By MATT EMMONS
UAF officials revealed in a memo yesterday that a decades-long experiment by UAF physicists and mathematicians, in which "students" were encouraged to study liberal arts on lower campus would be cancelled as of this summer.
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World peace declared; Miss Universe single-handedly ends all violence
By CLACIE GROSVOLD
A permanent ceasefire around the world, much to the thanks of beauty queen Mss Universe, was declared last week.
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Ravens allowed in cafeteria; relationship saved
By AMBER WILSON
Ravens are now allowed to eat in Lola Tilly Commons after a recent petition vote by students led by the student committee Food For Thought.
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Art piece of the week
By KAY KOERNER

The Tao of Nerdism
By ANDREW PARIS

Back to the Future

Su Doku & Crossword Answers

Athletics department institutes 'bimbo' standards
By PAUL MATTHAS
In response to a series of recent sexual harassment suits brought against the athletics department, culminating with lengthy litigation of former UAF Assistant Athletics Director Kevin "Kip" Harmon in the spring of 2006, University Relations revealed Monday that official "standards of bimboity" will be enforced within the department for the fall semester.
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Ice sheet shrinking
By HENRY COLE
The Olympic-size ice sheet in the Carlson Center, home of the UAF Nanook ice hockey team, has been found to be shrinking at an unprecedented pace.
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Nanook hoopsters turn to pro snowboarding
By CASEY GROVE
With a winning season behind them, the UAF basketball team stepped off the ball court and has hit the slopes last week.
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