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March 29, 2005 |
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Dick Cheney voted "Sexiest Man Alive" The results are in and it's official: Fun Star readers have, for the second year in a row, voted Vice President Dick Cheney as the Sexiest Man Alive. Cheney beat out Barbara Bush, the current president's mother, by a narrow margin of only about 300 votes... Mummified ox rampages across campus Upper campus was destroyed last weekend by a prehistoric ox that has lain dormant for more than 36,000 years and was awakened by a freak electrical accident... Chancellor enacts UAF beautification program From the commissioning of the utilidor murals to the breast augmentation initiative for the UAF volleyball team, to the planned upper-campus wind tunnel, Chancellor Steve Jones is on a mission to make UAF beautiful... MTV Sues God over Copyright Infringement For the first time in over twenty years, an American company is suing the Supreme Being for an alleged copyright infringement... Poker flat rocket brings down UFO An errant rocket launched from Poker Flat Research Range March 20 has apparently shot down an alien spacecraft and university researchers are looking at the ship to determine more about the extraterrestrials inside... |
I should probably explain... You should all be ashamed of yourself. Not only is your grammar atrocious and your spelling the pits, but I haven't seen my picture in the paper all year... Well, well, well...It looks like all of my fears have come true. When I left for my exchange, I knew the paper would suffer—I was the star reporter and all—but I never realized how quickly it would decompose into a lobber pile of mucus wrapped up in the shape of a newspaper...
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Board of Regents releases rap album In a surprise move this week, The University of Alaska's Board of Regents released a hardcore rap album... DeathNet declared legally dead After a series of drawn-out committee hearings and legal proceedings, Fairbanks Municipal Court declared Friday that DeathNet computers would be shut down and that no heroic measures would be taken to save comatose participants... S.L.U.T. suffer heavy casualties, fight on After the tragic falling death of Travis Mitchy this weekend, S.L.U.T.'s numbers have once again taken a beating, dropping to four...
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Live polar bear mascot kills one in bloody mauling Excitement turned to disaster this weekend at a UAF Nanook hockey game when a live polar bear was substituted for the bear-suited mascots. At least five people were killed and dozens more injured, both by the bear and a stampede that followed the attacks...
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