The Associated Students of UAF legalized using torture as a means to bend the student body to its will Friday. Senators said they have renamed the ASUAF Senate Chambers to the Pat Frymark Bicentennial Torture Chambers.

The Senate passed the torture bill through an legal elections process, but their actions were not noticed because only student government officials themselves or their close friends voted. It began innocently enough, as a way to boost incentive to participate in the bureaucracy.

"We just were not getting the votes we needed and got tired of giving away candy and coffee and still not getting higher voter turnout," said ASUAF spokesperson Sven Gilkey. "So we decided to torture students to do what we wanted them to do."

The bill passed with a unanimous vote and has been ASUAF law ever since. Vice President Dani Carlson opposed the measure at first but later saw the value in it when the torture victims started voting.

"We are spreading freedom and democracy at UAF," she said. "How can that be wrong?"

"We were just having so much trouble trying to get things across to the students," said President Joe Blanchard. Blanchard thanks his recent conversion to the Church of Scientology after he found out that his idol, Tom Cruise, and Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef on South Park, both believe in the church.

"My idol, Tom Cruise, has been appearing to me in dreams instructing me in the best ways get this university on track," Blanchard told Fun Star reporters. Though Blanchard likes the more complicated torture devices that include medieval pieces, he used ASUAF funds to purchase from Robin's Antique Shop over E-bay.

Other members of the student government have their own weapons of choice.

Senate Chair Pat Frymark's weapon of choice is a wooden gavel, which he can even use to conduct actual Senate meetings.

"The most frightening aspect of Frymark's torture I've been exposed to," said Stella Farnsworth, 22, "is his use of rhetorical questions like ‘Who's your daddy?' and the glazed over, half-crazed look in his eye that's there even when he's not torturing you."

University officials are investigating the acts of torture further.

In the meantime, the student government cannot cover this year's budget due to the extravagant purchases of torture devices and kinky sex toys. In order to restore the money lost, the equipment will go on sale this weekend in an auction using Frymark's gavel, and Frymark himself will perform solo '80s-only karaoke to raise additional funds.