THIS AMERICAN LIFE

Officers who responded to a complaint of drunk and disorderly conduct at the Wood Center bowling alley Thursday left without issuing citations or confiscating the offending bowlers' Schlitz "tallboys." The officers were unapologetic.

"To bowl, and then to sit with one's beer and reflect. This is the American way," said one.

RAVER-AID

Officers arrested all 187 students and faculty of the Criminal Justice Department in midnight raids on their homes this March 27 and transported them, handcuffed and gagged, to campus, in what was an elaborate prank that ended in an all-night dance party in the parking lot of the UAF Police Department.

PRIORITIES

Officers responded to rumors of a fight at the Bunnell House early childhood lab school March 25, but it was only a pillow fight, so officers decided to drive down Geist Road and pull someone else over.

SIXTY-NINE DUDE!

Two students were cited for indecent exposure for having sexual relations in a campus bathroom March 26. After their screams for help were heard coming from a second floor Gruening bathroom stall, Matt Poltier and Amie Starr were found crammed in the stall, one of them upside-down. Poltier was cited and released. Starr was released and walked off with a satisfied look on her face.

From the archives:

CUNNILINGUS ON AN UNGULATE

After several muskoxen were found sexually assaulted at the Large Animal Research Station March 22, university police set up a sting and caught two males sneaking into the facility. The two suspects were both caught wearing Velcro mittens and one was carrying a footstool.

SCOOBY SNACKS

K9 police dog Briko was caught March 24 hoarding drugs in his kennel. It was unclear where Briko had obtained the marijuana, and no charges were filed. It is not against the law for a dog to possess any quantity of marijuana anywhere.

THE HEIST

A steel briefcase, full of hundred-dollar bills and chained to a guy named Guido, was reported missing from the Butrovich building Mar. 22.

A guy named Guido was reported missing from the Butrovich building Mar. 22.