UAF cashed an $87 million check this weekend, a generous donation made by Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, and opened its newly constructed sports arena. The Patty Center brought to you by the National Socialist German Workers Party Sports Arena was unveiled at a ribbon cutting ceremony, which was followed by cake and ice cream.

"This truly is an historic occasion," said Chancellor Steve Jones. "Of all the oversized checks I get handed, and all the ribbon cutting ceremonies I attend, and trust me, there are a lot, being here with all of you in celebration of the commitment of our great state and the commitment of the Nazi party to competition, both in sports and in the classroom, is just a heartwarming occasion."

"I must agree with Steve," Hitler said. "This journey has been somewhat of a metaphorical 'climbing a mountain' experience for me."

The Office of Advancement and Community Engagement first contacted Adolf Hitler when they learned his dead body had been cryogenically frozen and then reanimated in South America. A thawed-out Hitler jumped at the chance to help out.

"They told me that the sports arena was getting rather old, so I said to Jake [Poole, Vice Chancellor for Advancement and Community Engagement], 'Let the Nanooks thrive, carried on the backs of the German people and under the banner of the Third Reich!'"

"Adolph was so excited!" Poole said. "He kept going on and on about world domination through creating a super race." Poole said the Nazi party is even sponsoring a biathlon team for a possible invasion by ski into Scandinavia.

"Doesn't anyone find this the least bit odd?" asked Asher Bergbaum, who was later shot to death and thrown into Starvation Gulch. "I mean, these are the guys who exterminated 6 million of my ancestors!"

Protests like Bergbaum's were uncommon though, and after an angry mob goose-stepped around campus rounding up gays, Jews, blacks and gypsies, dissent became nonexistent. Once things had calmed down, everyone was treated to ice cream sundaes and crumb cake.

"You know Steve," said Hitler to Jones, "I especially like the Rocky Road."

"Mmm… yeah, this stuff is killer. I mean, it's just like climbing a mountain," Jones said.

Other donations for the Patty Center brought to you by the National Socialist Workers Party Sports Arena came from big tobacco companies, ASUAF, Wal-Mart, a man in a polar bear suit, and Satan himself.