Rabid hellhounds, high on PCP, went on a campus-wide rampage last weekend that left 18 students dead and 137 wounded or disfigured.

The devil dogs appeared in a flash of fire and brimstone to smite the people of Earth, and more specifically the University of Alaska Fairbanks, just before smoking some Angel Dust and ripping the face off a really, really cute baby.

Concerned about campus safety, UAF police took the opportunity to say that drugs are a very serious problem and also commented, "Holy shit! Run for your lives!"

The two dogs resembled pit bulls and they seemed to have a taste for human flesh. One student caught by the dogs was dragged down the Wood Center stairs by the top of his head before being torn to pieces between the dogs' supernaturally powerful jaws.

"I've never liked dogs," said student Brittany Ballintine, "but I never thought I'd be carrying a shotgun around to defend against rabid zombie pit bulls from hell."

University Relations announced the first-ever closure of the UAF campus late on Sunday, but the damage had already been done. Students stuck on campus for the weekend without vehicles were fair game for the gnashing teeth and sharp claws, and by Monday morning, the stench of death was heavy in the Wood Center.

But just as suddenly as they had appeared, the devil dogs vanished, and the wounded, moaning from their painful injuries, started coming out of hiding.

"This is too much," said one rookie EMT vomiting in front of the Brooks Building. "The horror... the horror!"