In response to a series of recent sexual harassment suits brought against the athletics department, culminating with lengthy litigation of former UAF Assistant Athletics Director Kevin "Kip" Harmon in the spring of 2006, University Relations revealed Monday that official "standards of bimboity" will be enforced within the department for the fall semester.

"The girls around there were just getting way too smart for their own good," said Harmon, an ex-assistant athletics director, a former school board elect, and most recently, a transsexual bodybuilder. "If they would've just hired some good, old-fashioned bimbos, I would've been home free."

In a phone interview discussing the change, current women's basketball coach Allison Backert said that the decision to impose a beauty standard for employees came solely out of financial considerations. UAF lost about $28 million in legal costs alone this year for lawsuits.

When asked why the regulations would only apply to females, both athletes and staff, Athletics Director Grover Trucks defended the plan.

"Well," Trucks said, "we're not getting a lot of resistance from our male students. And a male bimbo, a mimbo, well that's fairly uncommon.

"If the girls in our program followed suit and were as welcoming to advances as the boys, I doubt there would have been a problem to begin with."

Details of the plan include a lengthy screening process in which a panel elected by bald white men judge candidates on a series of merits deemed appropriate by the department.

The Fun Star obtained a preliminary copy of this list through a Freedom of Information Act request that displays 1-10 scale rankings on 48 separate requirements ranging from stamina, strength resistance, and timed sprints to facial symmetry, generalized body odor, and an ambiguous category labeled "shit-faced."

In a memo sent over UAF's administrative list-serve on Friday, University Relations confirmed that only those candidates possessing an "appropriate combination of athletic ability and unimposing aesthetics will be considered for admission into team sports for UAF."

Kelly Gossin, a member of UAF's volleyball team since 2003, commented on the ambiguity, saying that she's afraid of what these requirements will mean for herself and many of her teammates.

"They're asking for, like, hot drunk girls," said Gossin. "My friend Jesse [Rollins] couldn't even get past the sprints. They said she was too ‘obvious' or something. What does that mean? Jesse's been on the team as long as I have. Does she have to, like, get naked or something before she can qualify?"

For a complete listing of the new requirements, visit the Fun Star online at www.uaf.edu/sunstar/

Tryouts for fall athletics will continue until April 10 in the Patty Center Gym. Those interested can sign up in the Wood Center.