After a series of drawn-out committee hearings and legal proceedings, Fairbanks Municipal Court declared Friday that DeathNet computers would be shut down and that no heroic measures would be taken to save comatose participants.

DeathNet, a popular LAN (local area network) party held on campus, first came under controversy after a number of individuals fell into a coma when a power surge cut short a thirty-six hour gaming session.

Director of the event, Gabe Ramuglia, attempted to restore computers. Unfortunately, the twenty-minute hiatus was just the window victims required to swallow their tongues and slip out of their chubby vessels.

"We did everything we could for them. But sometimes that fight isn't yours to win. Luckily, the rest of our members suffered only severe migraines and sporadic bouts of uncontrolled vomiting," said Ramuglia of the incident. "We were confident that the next event would go smoother."

But February 14 marked the death rattle for many of Alaska's socially defunct. While many college students celebrated their love for those more fleshy objects, DeathNet gamers consummated their affection with the digital yonder.

"After a preliminary round of online Parcheesi, which is customary, we got right into it. Eight-man Capture the Flag, ten-man Death Match, you name it, we had it. But then things went horribly, horribly wrong," said Ramuglia.

When a mass "Bend It Like Beckham" movie download overloaded UAF servers, DeathNet was shut out of its online capabilities.

"I've never seen so many ripples. Bodies were hitting the floor like lukewarm Easter hams," said Ramuglia of the now infamous night, "We tried to tend to the most jerky ones first. But you just can't be everywhere at once."

Of the 158 students attending the event, 12 survived. "Once we got the connection back, we were able to stabilize a few," said Ramuglia.

One of the survivors now held in intensive care at Fairbanks Memorial is Sheldon Everett, a fourth-year freshman. Doctors deemed the rest of the survivors lost causes a week later, claiming computers to be the only source of life.

"Friends really wanted to just shut down the computers immediately, but the families were, of course, hesitant," said primary care physician Albert Boone. "But, now with the court's decision, we can finally turn the machines off and let nature take its course."

Warner Electrical Union has responded to the verdict by vowing to break into the hospital and restore connections to the ailing computers. Picketers stand outside of Memorial around the clock to protest the decision.

"While it will take some time for the mildly affected to finally pass away, they're already unable to maintain beta waves on their own," said Dr. Boone. "But we expect that they'll be dead within the week."

Sheldon Everett rests in intensive care after Electrician Commandos failed to resuscitate the DeathNet event he loves so. His siser sists at his feet. She refues to admit the game is over and keeps a computer on his lap at all times.
Photo illustration by Robinson Duffy / Fun Star

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