The results are in and it's official: Fun Star readers have, for the second year in a row, voted Vice President Dick Cheney as the Sexiest Man Alive. Cheney beat out Barbara Bush, the current president's mother, by a narrow margin of only about 300 votes.

"I'm just thrilled," Cheney said in a phone interview Saturday. "The people have obviously spoken, and what I hear them saying is 'Please Fun Star, we want a man with a strong moral character and a prominent forehead whose mom always told him he was handsome. Why Fun Star, why can't you give us a man like that?' Yeah, that's what they're saying."

"The guy's a total chump," said filmmaker Michael Moore, still angry after being dethroned by Cheney two years ago. "Come on, the guy's got a smile like a landlord who just evicted another widow and her kids."

The Sexiest Man Alive is decided by a survey using several different factors, including ratings of the attractiveness of the face and hair, a height to weight ratio equation, and measures of the candidate's similarity to an actual human male.

About 8,000 readers participated in the survey, which is held each spring at the college's upscale conservative watering hole, The Schlub. Back in November, the campus precinct voted 9 to 1 in favor of Bush's reelection, so it's common knowledge that the university is heavily republican. The Schlub is a meeting place for singles who want to drink wine spritzers, lounge about on plush couches, and talk openly about their political affiliation.

"Ohhhhh… Dickie is so hot," said 22-year-old philosophy major Amber O'Flannigan, sipping a colorful drink. "I have a picture of him above my bed that I kiss every night before falling asleep."

O'Flannigan's friend Barbara Annabarra, 21, agreed: "If I were an intern at the Office of the Vice President, there's no telling what might happen. Let's just say he might really be drilling in AnnBarr if you know what I'm mean."

Though Cheney did exceptionally well with drunk college-aged females, runner up Barbara Bush scored with the intellectual types.

"I don't know what it is, but I just love that sterile, hard as nails thing she's got going," said student body president Thom Walker. "That can be very attractive to a kid who grew up milking old, haggard dairy cows in rural Minnesota."

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