From the commissioning of the utilidor murals to the breast augmentation initiative for the UAF volleyball team, to the planned upper-campus wind tunnel, Chancellor Steve Jones is on a mission to make UAF beautiful.

Completing his first year at UAF this summer, Jones is adamant about changing the mood and personality of his new arctic home. “I want to make people stop and take notice of our school. Not so much for its academic credentials or research whodunits, but for its out-and-out sex appeal,” said Jones in a Thursday interview concerning the proposed changes.

First on Jones’ list involves the commissioning of several Seattle muralists to visit the utilidors and, for a period of six to eight weeks, fill the nearly ten mile maze with a series of Alaska-themed paintings.

When asked about the appropriateness of the estimated $240,000 project considering the tunnels exclusive nature, the Chancellor responded with a quick burst of grunts and explosive hand gestures. After seemingly recollecting himself, Jones’ replied, “I’m not interested in whether or not people see them. What’s important is that they’re there. People will know that and, in turn, feel better about walking on the sidewalks and such. You see, I’m using backwards logic here.”

Second in the program concerns the much debated-over beast augmentation initiative. In it, Jones recommends for the more prominent members of the UAF volleyball team various breast enhancements that “may finally provide us with that winning edge,” said Jones.

Several athletes have complained that the suggestion is sexist and overtly offensive. In mid-March, several volleyball representatives approached Jones with a series of diagrams and pamphlets illustrating how the program would not only crush team morale, but dramatically increase wind resistance for several key players.

Team Captain Jenny Mitchell was one of the speakers. “We must have talked for nearly an hour. But [Chancellor Jones] just kept staring at our breasts, giggling, looking away, and then staring at them again. We were all really upset,” said Mitchell.

“Again, my opponents are looking at this head on, which is all wrong. It’s not like [you’re] going to see them. It’ll all be under the clothing. But you’ll know it’s there, see (repeatedly tapping at his right temple). Now that’s an advantage. It’ll totally mind-bang any competition. ‘Their chancellor bought them new chests. How can I continue?’” said Jones. “I see that as something well worth the, what is it, fifty-thousand dollar price tag.”

Garnering perhaps the most attention on Jones’ to-do list, however, is the construction of a $1.8 million wind tunnel stretching from the UA Museum to the field behind the IRC. Eleven protests have thus far been staged outside of the Chancellor’s office in Signers decrying the tunnel.

Mary Geffen, a faculty member of the museum and frequent protester, stated publicly on KSUA last Wednesday that “the wind tunnel is a travesty. Chancellor Jones has lost his mind. Let’s just forget the fact that it will cost millions or that it’s completely superfluous for a moment and look at the amount of ecological damage it will do. Or the personal safety issues it brings up. If Jones has his way and the tunnel travels at the estimated 120 miles per hour that he wants it, anyone just strolling by the thing is liable to get swept up and flung into the nearest building. And that’s just wrong.”

“Honestly, [the wind tunnel] is just something that I thought would be pretty kick-ass,” said Jones. “I mean, haven’t you ever just wanted to throw, like, a rock or something into really super-fast wind just to see what would happen? I’m making that dream a reality.”

At this point in the interview Jones drifted off into what seemed to be an indecipherable bout of mumblings where only the words this reporter could pick up were “monkey-ass” and “sommamabitch.” After blankly staring at his surroundings for a few moments, Jones darted into the nearby bathroom. After waiting an additional 45 minutes, I left.

The Seattle Surrealists arrive April 16 while ground is scheduled to be broken on “My Kick-Ass Wind Tunnel for the People” June 7.

Photo by Stephanie Taylor/ Fun Star
Chancellor Steve Jones looks at potential places for the murals in the utiladors last week.

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