The following police blotter is fictional. Any similarities to real persons or situations are purely coincidental.

STRANGER THAN FICTION

Police contacted a man posing as a female bodybuilder at the Patty Center March 21. Because he was not doing anything criminal in nature, police did not arrest him. They did, however, issue him a citation for unsportsmanlike conduct.

CAUGHT, PANTS DOWN

A man urinating in front of the Eielson Building March 24 was contacted by police and immediately asked to pull his pants up. The man became belligerent when told he had to leave and once again pulled his pants down. Officers shocked the man with a Tazer, sprayed his eyes with pepper spray, flogged him with a nightstick, and gave him a wedgie before placing him under arrest for being a terrorist.

SO CUTE AT THAT AGE

Officers stopped a vehicle on Tanana Loop March 22 and found a five-year-old sitting on a stack of phonebooks behind the wheel and his three-year-old sister operating the pedals down below. When asked what they were doing driving a car without having a license the girl replied, "What does it look like you dumb cop, we‚re stealing this phat ride!"

ABSTRACT INTERPRETATION

A Japanese tourist was found rolling on a West Ridge sidewalk completely whacked-out on LSD March 25. The woman was part of a tour group visiting the newly remodeled UA Museum of the North, and through an interpreter, she was able to communicate that she was O.K. and that she had been inspired by the unique shapes of the new museum to take dangerous illegal drugs by the handful.

CUNNILINGUS ON AN UNGULATE

After several muskoxen were found sexually assaulted at the Large Animal Research Station March 22, university police set up a sting and caught two males sneaking into the facility. The two suspects were both caught wearing Velcro mittens and one was carrying a footstool.

DON'T BOGART THAT JOINT

The smell of marijuana smoke was noticed coming from a room at Harwood Hall March 24. After walking into the smoke-filled room, the responding officer forgot what he was doing and immediately became so paranoid that he jumped out the second floor window. Luckily the residents were able to calm him down and also had ice cream on hand.

BEWARE OF THE DAWG

The annual pack of rabid pit bulls that appears at UAF each spring, once again high on PCP, attacked several students as they walked to class March 25. Concerned about campus safety, police took the opportunity to say that drugs on campus are a very serious problem and also commented, "Holy shit! Run for your lives!!!"

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