Admit it freshmen, you're disgusting human beings.  Now, I don't mean that as a character judgment or personal attack.  I'm talking pure, irrefutable data here.  Given your age, emotional state, orgasmic excitement and so on; you're dirty, oily, horny little things.  And you're proud of it.  Fantastic.  Whatever. 

But there are more than one of you, which means that you're at risk of being exposed to someone else's filthy, oozing, STD-infested habits.  And that's no good.  So here are a few tips that I picked up as a yonder freshman that will hopefully guide you far, far from your disease-ridden selves and toward the light of a fresher, more hygienic tomorrow. 

Seriously, it's for your own good.

 1) Eat like your life depends on it

 Yes, you're young.  We're all happy for you.  But that constant diet of pizza and cookies is going to catch up real fast.  Try to go for at least one semi-decent meal a day.  I promise, it exists – even at the commons.

 2) Do your f*ing laundry

 I found this one out the hard way.  Dirty laundry breeds things not allowed in polite conversation.  It only takes a couple of hours.  Do you really want to breathe in your own ass?  Cause ya are.  And it can easily get you sick or make what you already got worse.

 3) The dorms are trying to kill you

 The dormitories are like death camps in slow motion when it comes to spreading illness.  I know you can't take on the whole building, but do what you can.  If someone is sick on your floor, watch out.  Wash your hands constantly.  It's only paranoia if the threat doesn't exist.  Oh, and you should probably wear a foil helmet throughout – you know, just in case.

 4) Get your booty on the floor tonight

 Stay active.  You're paying for the gym, use it.  Hell, just going up and down that hill for food everyday is enough.  Hibernation's for the bears, yo.

 5) For God's sake, wrap it up

 Just shut up.  Chances are, you're going to have sex.  Most of you reading this right now have probably already slobbered on something twice over.  Nothing spreads illness (and we're talking big time illness here) like an eight story building crammed with hundreds of horny freshmen straight from mommy and daddy's house.  Just use protection.  Sweet Jesus, just use protection.

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