Truths & Lies about Alaska

(and other grey areas)

By Andreas

Penguins live in Alaska: FALSE.

Penguins (you know, those birds that can stand on two legs vertically, have wings but cannot fly although they can swim and everyone makes jokes about how they look like men in tuxedo, which is so boring after the first 300 years) migrated thousands of years ago to “a warm, lovely, paradise untouched by snow and other elements that bring cold”, according to the brochure. God still laughs on that one, even more than the time that he created penguins.

All people in Alaska live in Igloos: FALSE.

We live in cabins. Igloos are too expensive.

Alaskans kiss with noses: FALSE.

No, Alaskans kiss like other people. They just have more imagination in foreplay.

It is cold: FALSE.

It is freaking cold. If you have not been in Alaska you really do not know how cold cold can be, so using cold as a measure of coldness will all of a sudden seem incapable of describing the situation. For one time in your life, you will truly be at loss with words (and nose, ears, fingers etc).

Mooses are cute animals: FALSE.

Moose is not cute. Moose will hammer you, run over you, jump on your broken bones and kill you. And that is only the beginning. Afterwards probably it will kill you some more. I do not know if it becomes cute later on. Also, murdering Mooses are not persecuted by law. Simply, because they kill you for fun and will not eat you afterwards. They are not conservationists; they know that there are plenty of humans out there, who want to be photographed, while dying.

Moose cannot kick backwards: TRUE.

Indeed a moose cannot kick backwards so if you find yourself in a hard situation just grab on the tale and hold on for dear life. Enduring the smell and natural processes is a necessary tool for survival.

Musk Ox are stupid: TRUE.

They must be the dumbest animals out there. They usually gather in herds and when they are hunted instead of running, the herd turns and face the enemy making a round circle so that every individual musk ox is protected by rear attacks. But, and this is the funny part, they stand still in their spots making them such an easy target for human hunters with guns, who laugh at the simplicity of the kill. I mean, do you know any other animal standing still when it is attacked?

When you see a grizzly bear stay still: DOES NOT AWAYS WORK.

The most espoused of the defenses against grizzly bears, is a bit overrated. When a 300 pound beast is charging you, jaws, teeth, saliva and white and flashing people discover two things. Either that they are natural talented at standing petrified or that they need all of their brain capacities to actually enforce the standing still defense in which case they would probably be able to use that brain capacity to control the mind of the beast and have it as a pet dog. In a few words, when a bear is charging the Force is not with you.

When you see a bear run: DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK.

If you try this technique you better have practiced in doing the Equinox in less than an hour.

When you see a bear pray: DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK.

But you might as well. I mean, there is an afterlife so better make a good head start and ask forgiveness.

When you see a polar bear, just keep the memories: TRUE.

Polar bears have been known to be aware of all the tricks that we use on other bears, so basically if you want to see your whole life before your eyes, this is a good time to press play. Fast Forward the talking.

Animals have a sense of humor: TRUE.

Animals in Alaska are extremely funny and they will have a fun bite one way or the other.

There is no climate change: TRUE.

The State of Alaska has officially announced that climate change is for wusses. We are men here in Alaska and a bit more sun and some melting ice will not hurt us.

There is climate change: TRUE.

Results are not plain yet but there is a conscious effort for the climate to change. The word change here is not used as a noun but as a verb for order. It is “climate…Change!!” Gandalf style. Everyone thinks that the State is lying about climate change but the truth is that the correct questions are not asked. The question should be “Climate….Change?” and the answer would most certainly be “No, no, not yet. We do our best though and we will continue because we have a vision and a program to turn Alaska into Hawaii in the next 300 years”.